The camp bus is about to leave... (Vicky)

Over the past few days, as I slowly began to focus on the fact that we’re about to go – three more sleeps! one more dog walk! – to subsist on 200 calories a day for 9 days as we do yoga, hike, try new therapies (Tibetan singing bowls!), have massages, read and sleep, I noticed the flashes of fear and exhilaration, sarcastic quips, questions and observations that were whizzing through me – 

 Could I possibly own enough Lululemon for 2 weeks of self-care? - Sadly, yes, I do. But is this really the first question that comes to mind?! When Germans say “Bring one set of dressier clothes for evening program” what exactly does that mean? Ha. Germans and their relationship to dressiness is one thing I should probably know something about. Wait – we can’t wear Lululemon to a concert in town? And what if the “dressier clothes” I bring don’t fit me anymore by the time we go out? They won’t feel – or look – dressy at all then. Oh boy. Who invented the concept of an optional enema? And which option will I choose? Given the weather forecast, why aren’t we doing this at the Buchinger Clinic in Marbella? Note to self for next time. Yes, next time, you read that right. I love this whole idea and can see myself going back over and over again. As John’s friend Pat said yesterday, this is Fat Camp for Healthy People. I like to think of it as Wellness Camp, but regardless, what kid doesn’t want to go back to camp every summer?

 

We’ve been eating our way through our food reserves these past couple of days, as if to eliminate any evidence of how our food purchasing decisions may not always have been perfect (ha! Perfectionism. Now there’s a topic as I head off to 2 weeks of healing) – and risk of any form of temptation when we get back. It’s incredible how suddenly every bite begins to count on some level. Dinner on Saturday was frozen prawn gyozas (new recipe according to the bag!) with an exquisite homemade soya-sesame sauce, popcorn with a delicately poured French butter jus, and seven Magnum Bites - of which four white chocolate ones because they’re always the last to go. A box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is staring at us ominously from the kitchen counter. Thank you, Anne and Sophie, for leaving us with that difficult decision – to toss or to eat – when you left to university. I’m tempted to google “fresh organic vegetable delivery to North London” and place my first pre-dated order now, but have decided to wait until we get back. Having only had a very theoretical relationship with food for 2 weeks, I might actually want to fondle, smell and lick every kale leaf and aubergine I put in my basket. Just the fact that I can consider purchasing kale and aubergine is a sign that a new me is emerging. Not to mention that I realise that I may be rethinking my relationship with Starbucks soon too. One thing at a time though.

 

While it seems easier to chatter about the light stuff, I can nonetheless feel that this experience will be transformative, and that the process has already begun. I start to cry when I think about how seen – by me – I feel about my decision a few weeks ago to take private reformer Pilates classes. (I almost cry too when every step or giggle the following day is agony). I mustered huge amounts of courage to express my real desire to go on this daring, and until now somewhat out of character for me, two-week, deeply personal adventure. And am not berating myself for it possibly being an indulgent, rich kid who only wears cashmere kind of thing to do. But that it’s OK to want to take care of myself, and to trust my feelings about what is right for me now – and act on them. I’ve done a lot of inner work these past couple of years, shifting habits and perspectives, made life changing decisions about who I want to interact with, where I want to live and with whom, survived deeply painful challenges as a parent and as a fifty three-year old who suddenly didn’t have a home anymore. It’s awesome that I’m now off to camp, to clear out some of the sludge – both physical and emotional – that’s holding me back. And that my best friend is coming along with me too.